An argument and ensuing emotions,.
It’s not easy to just let it go.
God this is so tiring. It’s kind of mind-boggling, the way he thinks.
I told him a funny story about my colleague and her massive dick-ed boyfriend. I apparently said something along the lines of “haha don’t worry I still like yours tho”. I don’t actually remember saying this, in fact I’m pretty sure I was careful not to say anything like that. I remember saying “that just sounds too big though”.
Anyway, he took it personally. He took it like I was being snide, sly, wanting to hurt him in an underhanded manner.
And for fucks’ sake. I’m no saint, nor do I claim to be. But snide and sly and back-stabbing are not things I would ever describe myself as. I’m lazy, yes. I can be unmotivated and as a result not see my friends, and that’s pretty shitty. I can not like people from the offset, but I usually try to see the good side and give them a chance (except for that Chloe chick at work, who either doesn’t like me for whatever reason and is a bitch, or has the WORST case of resting bitch face I’ve ever seen. But I digress). What else. I sometimes go back on my word, and I know some people think that’s the worst kind of thing to do. But it’s usually something small, like doing the dishes, cooking a big meal, vacuuming.
But spitefulness is not something I would define myself as. I am shit at holding grudges. While I do very occasionally get angry at people, there is very little that would make me not forgive them. There are very few (one, really) people that I truly hate.
And when I care about someone, I care about them. I honest to god, truly, with all of my heart, wish for the best for them. If Tom gets the youth worker job, I will be upset for losing out but I know I will be happy for him. If Emm gets a better grade on her degree, I will be sad because I will wish I would’ve done better but I will be so happy for her cos she’s awesome and will have deserved it. If I stay with George and he ends up being better paid than me forever, well… It will be frustrating due to how competitive I am but again, I know it will make him happy and that makes me happy.
I just never go out with the intention of hurting someone! I just… Fucks’ sake I know this sounds silly and like I’m an angel, but I just don’t. The only people I have ever intentionally hurt have mainly been my family. Then, yes, I have said hurtful things, with the intention of hurting them, because I was angry or upset. And I recognise that it’s shitty and I actually do my best not to do that anymore.
You can tell when I’m upset. I fucking tell you, or I turn into uber-cold-super-ignoring-powers person. That lasts about as long as a rant on Tumblr, if not a vent to Emmeline, and then I’m good again.
So that’s one thing. It is hurtful and upsetting to be find out George thinks I’m capable and would say mean things just to hurt him, for what, fucking power-games and funsies. I don’t know what the fuck his previous relationships were- wait, no, I do know. They were unhealthy relationships. People who care about each other in a non-toxic manner don’t try to hurt each other. That’s a fucking teenagers’ game. That’s what people do when they don’t want to be together anymore, or when they’re bored and want some entertainment, and it’s vicious.
And you know what? Fuck you. I’m not a vicious person. I don’t take perverse pleasure in other people’s pain, and schadenfreude is not something I feel often at all, aside from “haha he faceplanted” or “haha she got drenched and I didn’t”. Even when I say those things, I do feel concern. Fuck you, George, I’m a good person in that one respect and I will not let you doubt that about me. I have my flaws but I care about people and maybe that in and of itself is a weakness but I don’t care.
Finally, the thing about sex. Seriously?! I WAS TIRED AFTER A LONG FUCKING DAY OF RUNNING UP AND DOWN STAIRS UNTIL 8 FUCKING PM AND I TRAVEL OVER AN HOUR TO YOURS BECAUSE I ENJOY YOUR COMPANY AND YOU GET MAD BECAUSE I DON’T FEEL LIKE HAVING MAD SEX WITH YOU?! SORRY FOR NOT FEELING FRISKY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
It’s a shitty thing to say. I get it, he was looking forward to it. That’s great, and sweet, and I’m glad he does feel that way. But at the same time I do not owe you shit in that regard. If I decide I don’t feel like it, fucking suck it up and deal with it. You’re not a fucking teenager with blue balls, and it’s not like I’ve been teasing you mercilessly all night long and then not had sex with you. And honestly, even if I had, it still would have been up to me. I call the shots. You wanna go masturbate, go for it. I’m not gonna be mad. It’s fair enough. Just don’t you dare feel upset at me for ruining your sexual feelings and not letting you do what you needed to do.
He may not know it fully, but this is something touchy. I am worried about teasing him and not “delivering”, because I am scared that makes me a horrible bitch slut. And there is nothing that turns me off more than a man getting annoyed because I don’t want to have sex. Go to hell.
Also, I was fucking talking about depression. It came up, and I wanted to explain to you. That’s not really a sexy subject, my apologies, maybe I should only ever talk about sex, but oh, not other people’s sex, just yours, and how amazing you are, and never ever reference someone else’s dick, because you might just take it as a slight to your fucking massive ego.
Ah man I’m just getting more and more annoyed and self-righteous. It’s over. Just breathe. Let it go. I know I’m not the type of person to hurt someone just ‘cos (like seriously what would that bring me aside from an arsey boyfriend), and it is up to me when I want to have sex and I will NOT be made to feel bad about that.
George will come to understand that in time. In the meantime at least he’s being forthright and is happy to talk it through. That’s a pretty good start. And of course, everyone has baggage from prior relationships.
His last, which was very long and full of teenage-y emotions, was toxic, passive-aggressive, and downright mean. It’s normal for him to be wary and hold himself in if that’s what he had to do with his ex.
In the same way, my experiences have made me excessively defensive of my right to say no (as well should be, to be fair, haha :P). He’s got to realise that he can’t get annoyed at me when I’m not in the wrong (I am, after all, always happy to apologise when I am being unfair, and I’m not oblivious about it either and do try and avoid it). It just makes me upset and angry.