An argument and ensuing emotions,.

It’s not easy to just let it go.

God this is so tiring. It’s kind of mind-boggling, the way he thinks.

I told him a funny story about my colleague and her massive dick-ed boyfriend. I apparently said something along the lines of “haha don’t worry I still like yours tho”. I don’t actually remember saying this, in fact I’m pretty sure I was careful not to say anything like that. I remember saying “that just sounds too big though”.

Anyway, he took it personally. He took it like I was being snide, sly, wanting to hurt him in an underhanded manner.

And for fucks’ sake. I’m no saint, nor do I claim to be. But snide and sly and back-stabbing are not things I would ever describe myself as. I’m lazy, yes. I can be unmotivated and as a result not see my friends, and that’s pretty shitty. I can not like people from the offset, but I usually try to see the good side and give them a chance (except for that Chloe chick at work, who either doesn’t like me for whatever reason and is a bitch, or has the WORST case of resting bitch face I’ve ever seen. But I digress). What else. I sometimes go back on my word, and I know some people think that’s the worst kind of thing to do. But it’s usually something small, like doing the dishes, cooking a big meal, vacuuming.

But spitefulness is not something I would define myself as. I am shit at holding grudges. While I do very occasionally get angry at people, there is very little that would make me not forgive them. There are very few (one, really) people that I truly hate.

And when I care about someone, I care about them. I honest to god, truly, with all of my heart, wish for the best for them. If Tom gets the youth worker job, I will be upset for losing out but I know I will be happy for him. If Emm gets a better grade on her degree, I will be sad because I will wish I would’ve done better but I will be so happy for her cos she’s awesome and will have deserved it. If I stay with George and he ends up being better paid than me forever, well… It will be frustrating due to how competitive I am but again, I know it will make him happy and that makes me happy.

I just never go out with the intention of hurting someone! I just… Fucks’ sake I know this sounds silly and like I’m an angel, but I just don’t. The only people I have ever intentionally hurt have mainly been my family. Then, yes, I have said hurtful things, with the intention of hurting them, because I was angry or upset. And I recognise that it’s shitty and I actually do my best not to do that anymore.

You can tell when I’m upset. I fucking tell you, or I turn into uber-cold-super-ignoring-powers person. That lasts about as long as a rant on Tumblr, if not a vent to Emmeline, and then I’m good again.

So that’s one thing. It is hurtful and upsetting to be find out George thinks I’m capable and would say mean things just to hurt him, for what, fucking power-games and funsies. I don’t know what the fuck his previous relationships were- wait, no, I do know. They were unhealthy relationships. People who care about each other in a non-toxic manner don’t try to hurt each other. That’s a fucking teenagers’ game. That’s what people do when they don’t want to be together anymore, or when they’re bored and want some entertainment, and it’s vicious.

And you know what? Fuck you. I’m not a vicious person. I don’t take perverse pleasure in other people’s pain, and schadenfreude is not something I feel often at all, aside from “haha he faceplanted” or “haha she got drenched and I didn’t”. Even when I say those things, I do feel concern. Fuck you, George, I’m a good person in that one respect and I will not let you doubt that about me. I have my flaws but I care about people and maybe that in and of itself is a weakness but I don’t care.


It’s a shitty thing to say. I get it, he was looking forward to it. That’s great, and sweet, and I’m glad he does feel that way. But at the same time I do not owe you shit in that regard. If I decide I don’t feel like it, fucking suck it up and deal with it. You’re not a fucking teenager with blue balls, and it’s not like I’ve been teasing you mercilessly all night long and then not had sex with you. And honestly, even if I had, it still would have been up to me. I call the shots. You wanna go masturbate, go for it. I’m not gonna be mad. It’s fair enough. Just don’t you dare feel upset at me for ruining your sexual feelings and not letting you do what you needed to do.

He may not know it fully, but this is something touchy. I am worried about teasing him and not “delivering”, because I am scared that makes me a horrible bitch slut. And there is nothing that turns me off more than a man getting annoyed because I don’t want to have sex. Go to hell.

Also, I was fucking talking about depression. It came up, and I wanted to explain to you. That’s not really a sexy subject, my apologies, maybe I should only ever talk about sex, but oh, not other people’s sex, just yours, and how amazing you are, and never ever reference someone else’s dick, because you might just take it as a slight to your fucking massive ego.


Ah man I’m just getting more and more annoyed and self-righteous. It’s over. Just breathe. Let it go. I know I’m not the type of person to hurt someone just ‘cos (like seriously what would that bring me aside from an arsey boyfriend), and it is up to me when I want to have sex and I will NOT be made to feel bad about that.

George will come to understand that in time. In the meantime at least he’s being forthright and is happy to talk it through. That’s a pretty good start. And of course, everyone has baggage from prior relationships.

His last, which was very long and full of teenage-y emotions, was toxic, passive-aggressive, and downright mean. It’s normal for him to be wary and hold himself in if that’s what he had to do with his ex.
In the same way, my experiences have made me excessively defensive of my right to say no (as well should be, to be fair, haha :P). He’s got to realise that he can’t get annoyed at me when I’m not in the wrong (I am, after all, always happy to apologise when I am being unfair, and I’m not oblivious about it either and do try and avoid it). It just makes me upset and angry.

Ah relationships.

How I feel today

  • Hungry. I’m not eating enough nor am I eating healthily enough. This has to do with the fact that I have no money. Why don’t I have money? Because I spent 100£ on flights to Jersey for a weekend with George.
    Granted, I need a break. I have been craving a proper little holiday and it will be a lot of fun.
    However, I did say I would try and save money and this is pretty much the first thing I did. Fucksake, you know?
    Again, though, at least I don’t have money to spare to spend on shit I don’t need. The temptation is there, as always, but I don’t have the means so there you go.
    In conclusion, I have a bag of potatoes, canned tomatoes, pasta, pesto, some meat in the freezer, and a block of cheddar. I’ll live. It won’t be nice, I’ll probably be anemic and have lost more weight by the end of this, but as long as I keep eating carbs at least I won’t pass out from hypoglycemia.
  • Lonely. Alone. Seriously, fuck being an extrovert. It’s exhausting too. I’m so happy as long as I’m with my friends or with my family or with George. I spent, hell, spend as much time as I possibly can with my friends. Obviously, it’s nice to get home occasionally and have my room to myself, but give me about 5 minutes and I’m feeling uncomfortable again, 
    I love to be around people. I love doing my own thing, but mostly when there’s other people around. I’ll read a book, go on reddit, watch a series, but I’ll be so much happier when there’s someone with me just being there.
    And now, George is away for a week, Emm is away for two weeks, Vahan as well, Hilde until September, I’m only seeing the family in a week’s time. Basically I’ve got a week to hold out with no one in the flat (Tom is working all the time). I will be at work tonight and tomorrow afternoon, at VS on Monday day time, Tuesday Wednesday Thursday short shifts… What am I going to do the rest of the time?!
    WELL THE ANSWER IS NOT MOPE YOU FUCKING IDIOT. I mean… I shouldn’t call myself an idiot. I have a big book to read (several, in fact). I am going to read and read and read and that’s it. I’m going to read in the sun if it’s sunny, in my bed if it isn’t. Then again… I’ve got an oyster pass! I can go to the science museum, and the natural history museum, and that creepy one? I can text James garner and Peter Wilson and hang out with them (for free). Fuck it, I’m going to make a schedule for myself and fucking stick to it and it’s going to be great.

  • Scared. Fuck me, Mum got the text about me smoking weed. I have no idea what’s going to happen but man thank god it wasn’t worse and man I can’t believe this hadn’t happened sooner and man fuck my life she and dad are going to be so upset with me, more than they already were, if that’s even possible. There is nothing to say.



TOM MILSOM / hexachordal

Here’s the post Olga made about Tom Milsom. And another. Third.
Hank and John Green talking about Tom.
Melissa Anelli’s post about Tom.
TomSka talking about this whole situation
Tom writing on twitter.
Alan about Tom and donating to RAINN.
In this video, from a year ago, at the 35 minute mark, a guy called Joe who made videos in 2008/9 talks about Tom Milsom acting inappropriately when Joe was 14/15 and Tom was 20.


MIKE LOMBARDO / MikeLombardoMusic

Hayley G. Hovers post about Mike Lombardo.
Morgan’s post about Mike.
Hank and John Green posting about Mike.
Meg’s post about Mike.
Savannah’s post about Mike.


ALEX DAY / nerimon

First Anonymous person talking about Alex.
Second Anonymous person reblogging the first person.
Third Anonymous person talking about Alex.
Damien coming forward about Alex.
Tikken talking about her former relationship with Alex. And here.
Lex talking about Alex. and another post.
Lindsey talking about Alex. Also here and here.
Nephiesworld talking about Alex.
Louise talking about Alex.
Kerri’s post about Alex and unnamed Canadian YouTuber
Tove’s post about Alex and unnamed British YouTuber.

Alex Day defending himself.
"I don’t know about anyone else but when I read Alex’s post it seemed (as Marina would say) hella manipulative. From what I’ve gathered he knows what to say and when to say it which is how all of this started." (x)

First Anonymous person responding to Alex’s defense-post
Second Anonymous person responding to Alex’s post: [ONE] - [TWO] 
Hank Green talking about Alex Day.

Alex Day realizing he was wrong. Then read this! And this!!

Lindsey responding to Alex’s second post realizing he was wrong
Carrie writes on twitter. Responds to a postTumblr post.
Charlie McDonnell about Alex Day.

The Wiki-page about Alex is not updated. Continuing the discussion

Updated: Carrie has been seen hanging out with Alex.

(A blog that has reblogged most posts about Alex Day)


Deathsy taking about Alex, Tom and Ed.


ED BLANN / eddplant

The first post about Ed by Hannah.
Another post about Ed.  
Eddplant’s post about “the past 24 hours…”

UPDATED: Ed uploaded a new video on the 6th of June 2014, singing a song called “Inhuman Nature”. I am not going to link the video since I DO NOT encourage you to watch it. Don’t show your support for him in anyway.

VideoMorgan’s video about Ed returning. (It also has the lyrics in the description if you’re curious of what he’s singing about).
Ed deleting a negative comment Hannah made (one of the girls he abused)
Hannah’s comment that was deleted
Liam’s thoughts on Ed’s video.
Lex’s thoughts on Ed returning to YouTube.


TOM McLEAN / frezned

Frezned (Tom McLean) being accused


JOSH MACEDO / confusedtree

One article about Josh Macedo.
And another masterpost about him.



One post about Kelly Montoya.


DANNY HOOPER / danmann44

Danny Hooper being accused by Laura. Laura reblogging her post.
Second post about Danny by nephiesworld.
Another post about Danny by goshpenny.


ALEX CARPENTER / AlexanderCarpenter

Rosi talking about Alex Carpenter
Sarah Snitch talking about Alex Carpenter
Scrabblized’s post about Alex Carpenter.
Llouteasdale’s post about Alex.
Halliedarling’s post about Alex.
Sunny Williams’ post about Alex
Jenn Hammond’s post about Alex and the Wizard Rock Community.
Emma’s post about Alex.
Kellelucas’s post about Alex.


ADAM ROACH / TheGearsKeepTurning

A post about TheGearsKeepTurning by Elizabeth. This post rebloggedElizabeth’s friend confirming her post.
A post about Adam (thegearskeepturning) by Alice.
Beccy’s post about Adam.
Maria’s post about Adam.
Rumlittleskallywag’s post about Adam.
Cass’ post about Adam.
Another (short but still important) post about Adam by hodor-kingofwesteros.

And here is a masterpost about The GearsKeepTurning with all the links above and some more comments.


LUKE CONARD / lukeconard

Kristina Horner writing about Luke Conard and Alex Day.
Whitney Milam’s post about Alex Carpenter and Luke Conard. Then Rachel Kiley continuing and writing about Luke.

Luke Conard apologizing. But then please read this!
Luke realizing his first apology was terrible and attempting to write a new one. And then read this again!


COREY VIDAL / ApprenticeA

Shannon Antilles writing about Corey Vidal
Corey saying he’s going to make a video about this.
Corey says (again but in a longer post) that he’s going to make a video.



Carson’s post about WhatTravisSays.
Carson’s conversation with Travis.(tw incest & pedophilia)
Fizzylimon’s post about Travis. This post reblogged.
Reyna Villa writes. And here.
Emily’s post about Travis
Nora’s conversation with Travis.


ALEX ODAM / thealexfrom1994

Alex Odam posting nudes of his ex Hannah.



A masterpost about him and his former relationships



Updated: Shawn writes about Stephen Purcell.


Fake post accusing Tyler Oakley.
Fake post accusing Dan Howell was deleted
Fake Post accusing Phil Lester was deleted.

Hank Green about the fake post accusing Tyler Oakley
Hank Green explaining that the Tyler, Dan and Phil stories were fake.


Liam Dryden talking about what to do now.
Hank Green talking about what has happened.
Lucy talking about what’s happened and speaking up.
Marueen Johnson wrote a post.
Summer in the City addressing safety

A Probation Officer that goes into detail about how offenders see their actions and the way they use language.
An open letter to YouTube about all of this. (read this)

UPDATEDYouTubeSpeaks, a tumblr demanding discussion by popular YouTubers.


Victim blaming is wrong. 
If you’re a survivor of sexual assault or abuse, you can get help through RAINN, a great organization. International help.

Educate yourself on what CONSENT means.
What to do if you suspect your friend is a sexual abuser

Video: Lex made a video about what CONSENT means.
Video: Hank Green made a video about CONSENT.
VideoThe Science and Dangers of YouTube Celebrity.
VideoTomSka’s Guide to Gatherings.
Video: Charlie McDonnell: Sex & Consent.
VideoBryarly Bisop: We Are Edited.
Video: Laci Green: Consent 101.

Video: Lidsey: What is Emotional Abuse?

Video: YouTuve Abuse Recovery | Ann McGavin (thegeekyblonde)
Video: Sexual Abuse on YouTube | Pottermoosh
Video: Tell Someone | abb3rz07.
VideoWrongdoings and Growth in Our Community | Teryn Gray.

"Don’t let anyone else influence your opinions: make an effort to educate yourself on the matter and decide how you feel on your own." - Lindsey.


Read More

Happy sighs all round.

He said, you brighten my mornings. He said, you’ve actually brightened my shitty day.

I asked him, aren’t you tired? Do you want to sleep?

He said, I want to stay awake with you, because I enjoy your company.

He said, it’s kind of scary how much I like you already.


Well, because I don’t like people easily. I mean, I tend to keep a certain distance. And I can’t believe how easy it is to talk to you. 

I said, well, I know how much I like you because I actually really care what you think of me, and it makes me nervous. And… I guess I decided as I was growing up that it’s probably best not to care what people think? But with you, I do care. And I don’t get nervous often, so there’s that.
And also… I’m pretty amazed at how much shtuff I’ve told you about myself. Like, I tend to want to gage the reaction that I might get. But with you I just blabbed it out.

He said, I have to say, I do also really like how openly and casually we talk about sex.

But, I thought you did that with everyone?

Well, I try to, but a lot of people aren’t okay with it, and they shut down. You’re really open minded and up for most things.

I really like you.

I really really like you too.

He said, if you ever meet my parents…

I said, I’m sorry, but I can’t date someone in the conservative party.

He replied, well, if we’re still together at that point I’d hope we’d be a bit more than dating!

And then this morning, he drew a heart on the shower door for me.

Aaah a little reading-too-much-into-things never really hurt anyone. :)


I am not guilty. I am ashamed.

Of rehabilitation and G being a dick.

So now I know why I was a bit worried.

He’s a dick, plain and simple. Or… Well, usually is.

He’s the guy who dates girls to sleep with them and once he has, he loses interest, doesn’t even always stay the night (“I’ve got work”), doesn’t text them back.

He’s the guy who sleeps with his friends cos it’s easier that way.

But he does all of that cos he got his heart broken and decided it was easier not to get emotionally invested. 

He doesn’t even like one night stands.

Faux-romance… I didn’t even know that was a thing! And he asked me “How do you know I’m not faux-romancing you?” And I said… I said all sorts of things. I told why I think he isn’t, the little things he’s said (“You’re so furry!”“Is that okay?”; “What do you think of this political issue?”…). I said I think I know people better than that. I said, well, I hope you’re not, cos that would be a shame and I would be upset.

I said “How do you know I’m not faux-romancing YOU?” And he said “you’re not. I just know you’re not. It’s like… Your smile is too genuine.” I have to say, that was kind of annoying. I did get a bit miffed. Like, fuck you, I could be leading you on, you don’t know! You’re not better than me!

But in the end, when I asked him “well, are you playing me?” He said “no. No, I’m not”. And he meant it. “I even text you during office hours!” he exclaimed- is that quite a big deal for you, I asked? Yeah. yeah it is. Normally I’d just ignore it. 

So that’s what he is. He’s that douchebag who’s probably led many girls on and caused many a broken heart. But as long as he doesn’t do that with me- and I honestly believe he has no intention to- I’m okay with that.

After all, we do believe in second chances, don’t we? ;) I honestly think he’s a little blown away by how much he likes me. I have a beautiful smile, I’m smart and opinionated and cultured and funny, I have a banging body, we’re on the same page with a lot of things but also disagree on others, we appear to have much the same attitude when it comes to arguing, winning, losing; we’re both competitive and ambitious and young. And this is a lot of fun.

Also the sex is banging (pun totally intended). And we had the longest conversation about things we’ve done, positions we like, choking and handcuffs, anal, etc… Awesomely open and honest and we both want to learn to please each other in the best way possible.

And I make him laugh at least as much as he makes me laugh. That must count for something :)

The Bangkok Feeling- a poem I have been looking for, for AGES

The Bangkok Feeling

Striding past smoky food stalls.

Delighting in the sensation of being taller than everyone.

Rushing across the busy street, narrowly avoiding getting hit by a bright pink taxi.

Ignoring the pleading of the beggar child.

Walking through Bangkok.

The glorious coolness of the shopping mall.

The click-clack of heels marching through boutiques.

The noise in MBK, haggling over a cheap fake.

The overwhelming, hammam-like heat of Chatuchak Market.

Shopping in Bangkok.

Gasping with pain at tongue-numbing somtam.

Dancing the night away to throbbing music.

Holding breath in fear at crazy taxi drivers drag-racing.

Living in Bangkok.

The skytrain doors slide open. Everyone steps out, begins to rush away- but the King’s Anthem begins to play. A group of red-shirts, a gaggle of uniform-clad school girls, awestruck tourists, busy expats… All freeze.

A minute of peace, silence, in the midst of the bustle of Bangkok.

Then, as quickly as it came, the moment is gone.

The roaring of the moto-taxis.

The harsh lighting of massage parlours.

The soft hymns sung at temples.

The gentle hustle of Lumpini Park in the evening.

The honking of cars.

The hum and swish of the fan.

The click of a camera.

The noise, the quiet, the life, the light, the dark, the joy, the pain, the smells, the sounds.

Caught on film.



(by me, obviously)

Just little things

I like the way he holds my hand even when our palms are sweaty- he doesn’t even seem to notice and he never lets go.

I like the way he takes my hand and kisses it, really earnestly.

I like the way he kisses my skin, here, there, everywhere, like he’s following a path and tracing it with his lips.

I like the way he lies on his tummy with his head on his arm, looking at me with that look.

I like that he kissed me even though I had lipstick on, without even thinking, it seemed.

I like that he asks if there was anything he should do more/less of after we have sex.

I like that he holds on to me as tightly as I do him.

I like that he cares about my opinion on things, and wants to pick my brain about various issues.

I like that he told his friends I’m a feminist french socialist ;)

I like that he doesn’t spout opinions out of his arse without either looking things up or admitting that he doesn’t know enough.

I like the way he makes me feel like I need to read up on more things, in order to keep up.

I like the way I also feel like I actually do know things he doesn’t.

I like how adventurous he is with food, and how he loves spicy food.

I like how he has a job and wakes up every morning and goes in whether he wants to or not. I’m not sure why.

I like how he’s ambitious and wants to go into politics.

I like how he seems a lot more than half a year older than me. I like feeling younger. It’s kind of a relief.

I like the way he laughs, and I ask “what?” and he says “you.”

I kind of like him, you know? 


So I guess it’s weird because I kind of feel almost dubious that he really likes me? I suppose it’s because of what he’s told me about his past relationships- one long-term girlfriend at the end of highschool, and a hell of a lot of ONSs and FWBs. He’s slept with like… I can’t remember. 25? 35 girls?

And I mean I’ve had my fair share of messing around in no strings attached situations, but I’ve also dated a lot. I guess I don’t really know if he’s dated much in the past year or two- and by date I don’t mean full on gf/bf but more like… Going on dates like we have been.

And he’s cute. He’s smart, he’s funny, he listens to cool music, he can cook, he has a job, he’s good in bed, he’s confident and interesting and I really enjoy his company.

He says he really enjoys my company too. He thinks I’m really cool, and awesome, and he has also said he really likes me. He’s told me about his assault and he has been accepting and understanding of my rape, and in general has his head screwed on right. 

This is the thing: I do believe him. I know people well enough to know when someone is fucking with me (one must hope), and when he says those things and sort of gazes at me with his puppy dog eyes and says “You’re so beautiful” (and not in a smarmy way, in a really awed and sort of can’t-believe-my-luck tone)… I know he means it. 

And yesterday when I said, “Well, you’d better not have unprotected sex with a randomer and not tell me!”, he said, “I don’t plan to :)”.

I mean, why do I find it so hard to believe someone might be really happy to have met me and to be dating me? I know damn well that I’m pretty much overjoyed to have met him. Obviously, the whole having broken up so recently thing… I haven’t mentioned that.

I guess there are a few possible reasons as to why I feel nervous:

  1. He’s really cool. Like, I think he’s so cool. If he’s so cool, why hasn’t he been in a relationship in ages? Not in the sense that there must be something wrong with him; more like… What’s so great about me that he might actually wanna pursue it further, when he didn’t with his best friend/FWB etc?
    I suppose it’s unfair for me to judge. The right person, the right time… Things and attitudes change and maybe he is like “woah where has she been my whole life?” (which I admit sounds incredibly big-headed of me to say, and I don’t really believe anyone would think that… And I think that might be part of the issue).

  2. What if I’m reading this wrong? All the signs point to him wanting to pursue this/me further and see where it goes. Seems pretty positive at this point. However- what if that isn’t the case?
    Well, surely that’s not bad. After all I just got out of a relationship and definitely wasn’t planning on heading straight back into one. I guess I’m nervous I might make a fool of myself if he isn’t thinking that way.

  3. What if he DOES want a relationship and I don’t? I mean, again, just broke up with P. I wanted to go explore singledom again, potentially experiment with girls, kiss a lot of random guys when clubbing with Emm and Hilde. Seemed like the perfect time as well- just as summer hits. Flirting and getting with randomers is after all an art I’ve perfected. Maybe I’m a little annoyed this has come along so fast?
    Well, maybe annoyed is too strong a word. I suppose after a relationship you kinda wanna mess around, and instead I met this great guy who makes me NOT wanna mess around (but what if he is?! aaaagh)(but he probably isn’t since he wants to see me whenever he isn’t busy, and he always tells me what he’s up to!), and I guess I’m a tiny bit miffed that I haven’t gotten to have my fun!

It’s all quite premature, I realise. I guess starting to date so soon after breaking up may not have been as easy as I thought. I was so adamant that I wasn’t gonna get into no relationship, and well… I guess you can’t really plan these things.

As it stands right now though, I am dating G. He’s really cool. I really like him and I think he really likes me. I enjoy the fact that we can’t see each other all of the time, it gives me butterflies when I see he’s texted and I have to really control myself so as not to reply immediately and get on with whatever else I was up to. We’re having unprotected sex- which is obviously maybe not the best idea. May need to have a proper discussion about that at some point soon actually, and make sure we really are sure about the whole not sleeping with other people thing.

I mean… I don’t think I want to? I need to think about it. Maybe see how it is when I’m out. After all, last time I didn’t really want to get with anyone but a couple drinks later I wouldn’t have been adverse to it. I think I need to have a little chat with him just to see what he’s thinking so far.

Although he’s probably thinking- this is cool I’m enjoying this it’s going well so far let’s see how it goes!

But if we are having unprotected sex then that conversation needs to be had?

But what if we have protected sex with other people?


Emm and I being cheeseballs.